The Club
by mbus55
Summary: Faramir starts a club, which he invites several people to join. Unaware of the craziness in store for them they come, and realize that their friend Faramir might be a little insane. Warning, this is a humor story, it is in no way serious. Now complete.
1. Chapter 1

_**Author's Note:**_

_So this is another sort of off-shoot from Things As They Should Be: By Legolas, another story that I wrote. It's on this account so I would really appreciate it if you checked it out._

_Anyway please enjoy!_

**Chapter #1:**

It was a dark stormy night in the city of Minas Tirith. Most people, (at least most sane people), were sound asleep preparing for another day of hard work. But there were several people who were not asleep.

One of them was Faramir Of Gondor. He was pacing in a small room. The room had a long table squished into it, with several chairs all around it. Faramir looked out of the window, cursed, and resumed his pacing.

"They're late," he muttered to himself, "our first meeting and they are **all** late! How can they do this? Those stupid, rotten, stinky-"

"I hope that I did not just hear the forbidden S-word coming out of your mouth," Aragorn said in a threatening voice as he came in the room. Faramir only looked confused. "The certain forbidden S-word that speaks of a poor personal hygiene that a certain insane elf who fancied himself a writer was fond of," Aragorn elaborated.

"I said stupid, rotten, and stinky," Faramir assured him.

"Oh good," Aragorn smiled, "then everything is all right in here."

"Did you bring your button?" Faramir asked. Aragorn answered by pulling out a button that had the initials I. H. D. on it. "Now we just have to wait for everyone else to arrive."

And slowly but surely all of the other guests who had been invited showed up. They greeted Faramir and Aragorn and sat around the table, chatting casually. It was obvious just by looking that the people were very diverse.

If it occurred to them that Gandalf had left for the Undying Lands and thus should not be there, or if they were puzzled by the fact that as he was dead and a ghost Theoden really did not belong there nobody said anything.

Finally, surveying the room and satisfied that everyone was there Faramir called for silence. It took some yelling, some banging against random objects, and more then a couple threats but at last the room was quiet and Faramir was able to begin. He cleared his throat while everyone looked at him expectantly.

"Let me start off by saying a quick thank you to everyone for coming," he said, "it really means a lot to me. Second off I hope that you all brought your buttons." Most of the people gathered at the table nodded or held up a button to show that they had. This obviously cheered Faramir up, and he grinned before continuing. "Go ahead and put them on," Faramir encouraged them.

"Umm Faramir," the ghost of Theoden spoke up, "I could not even bring the items you sent me since I am no longer among the living and can not touch the objects in your physical plane."

"Well then I guess you are exempt if you are a ghost who is unable to touch the button," Faramir shrugged.

"I would like to be exempt as well since the color scheme does not really work with my outfit," Eomer spoke up.

"Request denied," Faramir snarled, "put it on." Eomer quickly, and with surprisingly very little muttering, (the words "_just because you married my sister..._" were heard by several people sitting close to him) put the button on.

"There," Eomer said in a sulky voice, "happy now?"

"Oh yes," Faramir said instantly back in his happy mood.

"So Faramir," Gandalf said interrupting the slight craziness that had threatened, "what is this club you have invited us all to join about? Your invitations to the meeting were a little vague."

"Club?" Pippin asked looking confused. "My invitation said that this was a buffet in honor of the Many Meals Of The Day." Merry, Sam, and Frodo all agreed with Pippin holding out their invitations to prove it.

"What can I say?" Faramir shrugged to everyone else in the room, "it was the only way to ensure that they would all come." He had a valid point, even the Hobbits had to admit it.

"So what is this about if it is not a buffet?" Sam asked.

"I am glad that you asked Sam," Faramir exclaimed standing up. "Friends you have all been called here because you all share a mutual dislike for something. Or more precisely for someone."

Faramir pulled aside a curtain which had been draped over a painting hanging on the wall. There, revealed for everyone to see, was a rather ugly painting of Denethor. Whoever had painted it had obviously been either blind with no idea how to paint, or someone who did not like the Steward of Gondor very much.

Of yeah, and the Steward was on fire in the picture.

"Ladies and gentlemen," Faramir announced, "welcome to the first official meeting of the I Hate Denethor Club."

There was a distinct lack of fanfare, as they all stared at Faramir incredulous and questioning his sanity. Faramir also stared at them, wondering why they were not on their feet and cheering with joy.

"Honey," Eowyn spoke up peering at the painting, "did you draw this?"

"Maybe…" he answered shiftily.

"Oh boy," Aragorn said softly.

"Here we go again," Frodo sighed.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Author's Note:**_

_So, just so you know here is a list of the people in the club. I guess I should have come up with this sooner, but better late then never I guess._

_FARAMIR_

_FRODO - SAM - MERRY - PIPPIN - GANDALF - THE GHOST OF THEODEN - EOWYN- EOMER - ARAGORN - GIMLI - THE GHOST OF GOLLUM/SMEAGOL_

_Thank you to everyone who reviewed! I am glad that people are liking this._

_**Disclaimer:**_

_I don't own anything… other then a freakish amount of dvds! But nope, no masterpiece works of literature buried in __my__ closet._

**Chapter #2:**

"Are you really serious Faramir?" Gandalf asked. It was the question on everyone's minds, the wizard just happened to be the first person to find his tongue and ask it.

"Why would I not be?" Faramir asked looking confused.

"It is the craziness," Gimli concluded, "it has become an unstoppable epidemic."

"But Faramir," Sam asked, "why are we here?"

"Because like me you all have a deep hatred of my father, Denethor."

"I am not so sure about that," Eomer pointed out, "I mean I can understand some of the people who are here. For example: Aragorn, Pippin, and the ghost of my uncle. Other choices are not so understandable. Why in the name of Eru is the Ghost of Gollum/Smeagol here?"

"He is here because he hates everyone indiscriminately," Faramir explained.

"It's true, precious," said ghost whined, "we hates them all!"

"It sort of makes sense," Merry observed sounding quite shocked.

"Now it is time to spilt into groups," Faramir announced, "so that everyone can help to strengthen the I Hate Denethor Club."

"What if we do not want to?" Frodo asked.

"The consequences will be dire," Faramir growled his reply. He did not elaborate, and everyone else gathered in the room decided that they were just better off not knowing exactly what the dire consequences would be.

"So," Gandalf said brightly trying to distract Faramir, "what sort of things do you have in mind for us to do?"

"Oh you are all going to have so much fun!" Faramir exclaimed rubbing his hands together. No one looked genuinely pleased at the idea, but for the sake of avoiding dire consequences they all pretended. "There will be four groups," he explained, "with people assigned to each group."

"Do we get to pick what we will do?" Eomer asked.

"Oh no," Faramir answered pleasantly, "in fact Eomer you Gandalf and Gimli are in the first group. Your job is to recruit people who we know who are not in the club yet."

"Oh what fun," Eomer said in the falsest voice imaginable.

"But everyone we know is insane," Gimli muttered, "we should be avoiding them in order to preserve what little of our own sanity we retain."

"A very wise idea," Gandalf nodded.

"So why don't you three go and get to work," Faramir suggested. The threat in this sentence was thinly veiled and Gimli, Gandalf, and Eomer rushed out the room. "The next group will be responsible for recruiting people who we do not know. How you do this will be up to you. In this group there will be Theoden, Aragorn, and Frodo."

The three exchanged unenthusiastic looks.

"Hey," Sam spoke up, "I am not to be in a group with Mr. Frodo?"

"No," Faramir told him bluntly, "you will be teaming up with Gollum to honor the death of Denethor."

"I have to work with him!?!?!" This shriek came from both Sam and the ghost of Gollum and Smeagol. They also had parallel looks of disgust on their faces. Frodo, remembering their animosity towards each other, winced at the thought of them being a team. Faramir did not look as if he thought anything was wrong.

"And the last group will be making anti-Denethor merchandise to sell," he said, "and that group will be Eowyn, Merry, and Pippin."

Compared to the others, this group seemed happy to have been put together. They all exchanged high-fives, grinning while the other people in the room glared at them.

"What about you?" Sam asked looking annoyed, "Why do you not have a group or a job?"

"Because I will be busy supervising all of you," Faramir explained with a grin, "now you had best all get to work!"


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter #3:**

"Hey guys," Faramir called cheerfully coming into a room and greeting the three people inside, "how is it coming?" The people inside of the room: Eomer, Gandalf, and Gimli; looked up startled at the interruption.

"Everything is going well," Eomer informed his brother-in-law finding his voice first, "we have been hard at work trying to figure who, out of the people that we know, to invite to join this club."

Of course Eomer was lying, the three of them had only a second earlier been discussing which person would be the next to go insane and do something crazy. They had all been agreeing that it would probably be Frodo when Faramir had interrupted them. But, given Faramir's shaky mental state, they did not want him to think that they had been disobeying his request of them.

"Gimli," Eomer said with a evil grin, "why don't you tell Faramir about some of our plans." The King of Rohan chuckled to himself, thinking that he had truly outsmarted the dwarf, but Gimli was no fool and no stranger to dealing with nut jobs.

"Well," he said with his own evil grin, "Eomer kindly volunteered to go and ask Lord Elrond to join." Eomer stopped chuckling at once, glaring over at Gimli. "And I believe that Gandalf had just mentioned that he dearly wanted to invite Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn."

"And Gimli," Gandalf added with a bright smile, "has said that he will go and get Legolas and Thranduil. After all," Gandalf spoke with as much sincerity as he could force himself to use, "they would really be disappointed to have missed this."

"Well," Faramir clapped his hands together pleased, "it seems as if I was mistaken when I thought that you three would not be up to the task. Though perhaps you should each come up with one more person to ask, just to get us more members with more speed."

"Of course we will," Gandalf, Gimli, and Eomer managed to force themselves to growl as, oblivious, Faramir left the room to check up on the other groups.

-- 

The next group that Faramir found was Theoden, Aragorn, and Frodo who were busy trying to come up with ways to get more people for the club as well, though they were focused on people who they did not already know.

"- and then once we have the message worked out we can ask some one to shout it across the land," Theoden was saying. "This way we will get our message out quickly."

"Do you have the message written out yet?" Faramir asked.

"Yes," Aragorn answered.

"No," Frodo said at the same time.

The Ghost of Theoden merely shrugged and pretended to be intensely interested in something on the ground by his transparent feet.

"How very enlightening," Faramir muttered.

"What Aragorn means to say," Frodo clarified, "was that he came up with a version but it will undoubtedly have to be changed."

"I do not know why you would say that," Aragorn said with as much dignity as he could, "my message is perfect." Frodo rolled his eyes.

"Your message says, and I quote, '_I Aragorn the most non-smelly person ever to live never cheated on my beautiful wife Arwen. By the way, join Faramir's Club_.' That is not something that we can use to draw people into this club. That is what we will say when there are too many and we want them to go away."

"Frodo is right," Faramir agreed, "the message needs to be changed. Try to work the phrase: 'Denethor, if not true evil then a close cousin of true evil.' If you can that is." With that Faramir left, whistling softly as he went. Aragorn, ghost of Theoden, and Frodo could have sworn that the tune was 'Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead', but it was hard to tell.

"Who would have known that it would have come to this," Theoden lamented.

"It was a cruel twist of fate that brought the One Ring into my possession," Frodo nodded, "for if not for that I would not be surrounded by you lunatics."

"I know what you mean Frodo," Aragon agreed, "I could have stayed a Ranger. But no, I had the obligation because of my ancestors to become the King. It is on days like this that I regret it."

-- 

The next group that Faramir checked up on was the two person team of Sam and the ghost of Gollum and Smeagol.

Predictably things were not going well.

"You are fat!"

"You are stinky!"

"You are fat!"

"You are stinky!"

"You are fat!"

"You are stinky!"

"**Both of you shut up**!" Faramir's shout shocked both Sam and Gollum so thoroughly that they both actually stopped yelling at each other. They had been so focused on each other that they had not noticed the man enter the room. "Now I know that you two might not be the very best of friends," he paused to fix both of them with a look which they didn't notice because they were busy glaring at each other, "but sometimes you can not help working with people you hate to help the greater good."

"And what greater good are we fighting for?" Sam asked.

"We are fighting so that the whole world knows of the evilness of Denethor," Faramir replied in a voice that he hoped was inspiring.

Gollum pointed a transparent finger at his temple and spun it around, the symbol for crazy. Sam was disturbed to find himself nodding in agreement to Gollum's assessment of Faramir's sanity, or lack of in this case.

"Now Sam," Faramir said turning to the hobbit, "you like to garden. And Gollum you like… shiny things and singing. Maybe that is where you should start." Faramir left them, feeling proud of himself and his negotiating skills. After all, he had made Sam and Gollum work together.

If he had stayed another minute he would have had a different opinion.

"You are fat!" The ghost of Gollum and Smeagol shrieked pointing at Sam. "Fat hobbit!"

"You are stinky!" Sam roared in reply. "Stinky… thing!"

-- 

Last but not least Faramir found the team he had set to making merchandise that had an anti-Denethor theme. That group included his wife Eowyn as well as Merry and Pippin.

"People like hats," Merry was pointing out to Pippin and Eowyn, "we could make those."

"Do either of you two know how to actually make hats?" Eowyn asked sounding skeptical. Merry and Pippin exchanged looks before shaking their heads no. "That is what I expected," she informed them. "Is there anything you can make?"

"What about-?" Pippin started.

"Do not even think about it," Merry interrupted before he could finish.

"That one time we-"

"Not for all of the money in Middle Earth would I go through that again," Merry said firmly interrupting Pippin again.

"So what are you three going to make?" Faramir asked the group brightly as he came in. All three of them stared at him, unsure what to say and unwilling to make him upset.

"Umm…"

"Well we…"

"Just remember that I love you."

Faramir just stared at them, waiting for an actual answer. Eowyn, Merry, and Pippin continued to mumble awkwardly and avoid his gaze as they tried to come up with something to say. It was Pippin who finally spoke up…

… and saved the day.

"It is a surprise!" he told Faramir. "You will find out what it is if you go away and leave us alone."

"Okay," the man shrugged turning to go. "See you later honey," he called to Eowyn over his shoulder as he went out.

"So Pippin," Merry said turning to the other hobbit, "what exactly is your plan?"

"I am not sure yet," he replied, "but I am sure that we can come up with something."

"We could always pay some people to make some stuff for us," Eowyn suggested.

"Sounds good to me," Merry agreed.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Author's Note:**_

_For the intent of moving the story along in this chapter and the next one you might notice that the characters are traveling to distant lands in absolutely no time at all. I'm sorry, and I know their journey's would take more time._

_And another apology, this one pertaining to the amount of time it has taken me to post. I suffered from serious writer's block about what to do next. If anyone has any ideas I'd love to hear them. Anyway sorry again. Please forgive me!_

**Chapter #4:**

"Faramir," someone called causing Faramir to turn around to see who it was. It was a dark haired man, who was quite tall. The dark haired man following behind Faramir caught up quickly.

"Beregond," Faramir smiled cheerfully in greeting, "how are you?"

"I would be better," Beregond replied, "if it were not for the odd rumors that have been going around the city." He was staring at Faramir pointedly, waiting for him to confirm or deny said rumors. Faramir, however, remained stubbornly tight lipped. "They are saying that your guests, as well as his highness the king, are running around the city doing a number of crazy things."

"Oh?" Faramir asked in an innocent voice. "Crazy you say? I can assure you that his highness and the rest of our guests have simply been helping me with a little project I have been working on."

"And what," Beregond asked suspiciously, "would be the nature of this little project?"

"Do not worry my friend," Faramir laughed clapping Beregond on the back, "you will see soon enough." Faramir walked away, leaving Beregond to watch him go. Beregond sighed feeling worried. Something was going on, and it seemed that Faramir was behind it.

"First Denethor," Beregond muttered, "and now Faramir. Insanity seems to run strong in this family."

- -- -

In Rivendell Eomer was speaking to Elrond. The Lord of Rivendell had known as soon as Glorfindel had found him to inform him that the King of Rohan had come with a message for him that his day was about to go downhill rapidly. When Eomer had explained, (as best as he could), the situation in Gondor Elrond **knew** that his day was going to go downhill.

He also had to fight a desire to banish Eomer from Rivendell for bringing him the bad news.

Elrond fought this impulse back, reasoning with himself that it wasn't really Eomer's fault that Faramir had gone crazy and that if he sent Eomer away there would just be another insane acquaintance to take his place.

"It is my pleasure," Eomer concluded looking like it was _anything_ but a pleasure, "to ask you to join Faramir's new club."

"You volunteered to invite me?" Elrond asked with raised eyebrows. "Somehow I find that difficult to believe."

"Gimli is short but very evil," Eomer said simply by way of explanation.

"I see," Elrond replied as he rubbed his temples in a vain attempt to ward off his newly formed migraine.

- -- -

The first of those who had been there when Legolas had read his fanfiction that Gandalf met in Lothlorien was Haldir. Haldir's normally self-assured facial expression fell the moment he saw the wizard approaching.

"Do not tell me," Haldir groaned before Gandalf could so much as say hello, "someone else has snapped. Is it Frodo?"

"Faramir actually," Gandalf corrected. "although Gimli, Eomer and I were just saying that Frodo will probably be the next one. Considering everything he's been through that hobbit is past due for a breakdown."

"Aren't we all?" Haldir asked grimly.

"Probably," Gandalf shrugged pretending not to be concerned despite the fact that he had already begun a savings fund for future therapy. "I have been instructed to ask Galadriel and Celeborn to join the new club that Faramir has started."

"That doesn't sound good."

"It isn't," Gandalf answered darkly.

"Was my name mentioned?" Haldir asked after a pause. Gandalf shook his head negatively and a strange light shone in Haldir's eyes. "My doomed Lord and Lady are in the garden by the lake. When you see them would you be so kind as to tell them that I have gone far far away on vacation?"

Haldir had run off before Gandalf could even agree to pass the message along.

In the Garden Celeborn noticed that his wife was looking off into the distance, her face very pale. He did not like the odd look that had come into her eyes. He reached out and touched her arm.

"What is wrong?" He asked.

"I sense a disturbance," she said simply.

"Not again!" He exclaimed despairingly. Galadriel nodded solemnly and Celeborn cursed in an uncharacteristically foul manner and kicked a tree. Now it was Galadriel who patted her husband's arm comfortingly.

- -- -

"I'm sorry," Thranduil told Gimli once the dwarf had asked if Legolas would be able to accompany him back to Minas Tirith, "but Legolas can't come out and kill orcs today. He is still grounded for trying to drive everyone insane."

"In my opinion your son succeeded in making all of us insane," Gimli grumbled. "But what do I know? I am crazy after all."

"So am I," Thranduil nodded. "Who would have guessed that such a dark day would arrive that I would have something in common with a dwarf?" Gimli peered at the elf king intently, deciding whether his honor had been insulted enough to require a comeback.

"My reason for inviting Legolas to Gondor has nothing to do with orcs," Gimli said finally. This seemed to interest Thranduil so Gimli continued unwillingly. "Faramir has gone crazy and so he has begun a club having to do with the general loathing of his dearly departed, not to mention clinically wacko, father. You and Legolas are both invited to join."

"Hmm…" Thranduil said as he thought about this for a minute. "Things have gotten rather boring around here. I think that Legolas and I will come. This should be sufficiently entertaining."

"I believe that you are crazier then me," Gimli commented as they both went to tell Legolas that he had just "_volunteered_" to join the 'I Hate Denethor Club'.

- -- -

"Yellow daisies, red roses, and orange milkweed," Sam was listing.

"Yes precious yes," Smeagol/Gollum cried happily, "flowers will look like fire!"

They were standing in front of a large patch of dirt. With a stick they had drawn a rough outline of the Denethor on fire picture that Faramir had painted into the dirt. Now Sam scribbled the names of the flowers he had listed into certain areas.

"I just can not think of any flowers that are grey so that we can make his hair," Sam fretted tapping the area with his stick.

"Silly hobbit," the ghost of Gollum and Smeagol grinned, "fishes are grey!"

"I suppose they are…" Sam agreed after a pause, "shiny too." Personally Sam felt that fish were considerably more slimy then shiny but he just couldn't care enough to come up with anything better.

"Yes!" Gollum danced around a bit. Sam did not join in. "We will catch them!"

"I'll just go and find the flowers we need then," Sam said. He preferred flowers to fish any day.

- -- -

"You," Merry said pointing to the first of the nine workers that he, Pippin, and Eowyn had hired, "will make hats with _'I Hate Denethor'_ printed on them." The worker nodded, though the look on their face showed that they were very confused.

"You three can make little effigies of Denethor," Pippin added. "They'll be burned so don't bother putting too much detail into them." The three workers he was addressing were unsure whether the strange hobbit was joking or not.

"While you four will make the cookies with Denethor's face on them," Eowyn concluded.

"What do I do?" The remaining worker that the three had hired asked looking confused.

"Your job is to keep those two from eating the cookies," Eowyn explained. They all looked over at the two hobbits who were both attempting to look innocent and not hungry. They were failing. "Maybe I should hire another person to help you," Eowyn said thoughtfully.

- -- -

Meanwhile in the crowded market place a young man named Bob was reading over a piece of paper. On it was written a message, which King Elessar himself had given him. The King had then instructed Bob, and a handful of other people, to go and proclaim the message about the city.

Bob took a deep breath, the message was both long and weird.

"Good people," Bob shouted reading from the paper, "too long has it been without the existence of a proper group through which you can direct your hatred for one Denethor son of Ecthelion. That time has come to an end at last, for now you can join the **I Hate Denethor Club**. To join please come to the celebration to honor the death of Denethor in one week."

The people in the market place were staring incredulously at poor Bob, who was beginning to wonder if he had done something to inadvertently insult King Elessar. Other people were outright laughing at the message.

"Remember," here Bob faltered wondering if he was reading the paper wrong, "your glorious king does not smell and Denethor is a close cousin of true evil."

_**Author's Note:**_

_Though the club is obviously fictional if you would like to "join" you may. In the last chapter there will an opportunity for anyone who is interested to be involved in the fic._

_All you have to do is let me know in a review or send me a message, (just click on the profile and there's an option near the top). Let me know the name that you want to be called. Then pick one of the following:_

_- a poster or banner with a personalized message in support of Faramir's club_

_- a tee-shirt with an anti-Denethor slogan_

_- something that you can shout_

_Please be as creative as you can!_


	5. Chapter 5

_**Author's Note:**_

_Thank you to everyone who replied in response to joining the club. There is still time if you are interested. I think that the next chapter might be the last. I'm still not positive though. Also I am currently working on another in the Things As They Should Be category. I really hope to have it ready for the summer. Unfortunately it all depends on how much time/inspiration I have but I will try. But I won't post that until this is over. Please read and review!_

**Chapter #5:**

When Faramir walked into the small library he had taken over as the Club Headquarters he found a man who he had never met before sitting there. The man had been reading from a very thick file, but when Faramir walked in he put the file aside with a smile.

"Ah," he said, "I am glad you are here. I have been expecting you. Please sit down."

"You must be here to join the Club," Faramir said returning the man's smile. He sat down in the offered chair, not remembering that as this was his office he should be the one offering someone a seat.

"I was sent here Faramir," the man told him, "by your brother. He thought that we could have a nice chat."

"Does Boromir want to join my Club?" Faramir asked.

The man retrieved his file, picked up a quill, and scribbled something in it. Then he sighed deeply.

A while ago, it seemed like a very very long time ago, this man had been The Official Shrink of Rivendell. It had been a fairly easy assignment. The elves living there had been stable and well adjusted.

Then one day everything changed. Elrond had told him to consul a group of people who had gone through, as the elf lord had put it, _"a trauma"_. The Official Shrink of Rivendell soon discovered that _"trauma"_ failed to properly describe the soul shattering, mental scarring experience that his patients had gone through.

Feeling that Rivendell was no longer a safe place to reside he had decided to leave, (thus making him no longer The Official Shrink of Rivendell and changing him to: The Shrink). It soon turned out that specializing in fanfiction run amok related ordeals gave The Shrink an endless supply of cases.

A couple of days ago The Shrink had been meeting with a group of Uruk-Hai, ("Did you feel that Sauron favored orcs to you? Did this make you jealous?"), when the ghost of a man had approached him.

"I am Boromir," the man had announced, "formally a man of Gondor and now a ghost of wherever the hell I feel like being. I was wondering if I could hire you to try to help my younger brother Faramir."

The Shrink had his ever loyal assistant dig through the patient files, (which they carried with them everywhere), until he found the files for Boromir and Faramir.

"I see that you both were in Rivendell for the incident," he said as he read, "and that you both saw me for the after effects of the trauma."

"That is right," Boromir nodded. "You really helped me move past my depression over being a ghost. But now it is my brother who needs your help. I met with a friend of mine named Haldir, who was fleeing another outbreak of crazy which my younger brother has started in the form of a Club against our father."

And so that is how The Shrink had found himself in Gondor talking to Faramir, the founder of the I Hate Denethor Club.

"Do you feel that your father favored your brother Boromir?" he asked.

"He made sure I knew that he liked Boromir better," Faramir answered, "it's just one of the many insane things which my club will attempt to make people aware. Did you know that he once set me on fire?"

"And how did that make you feel?" The Shrink asked.

Faramir stared blankly at the man, wondering if he was a bit of an idiot. He was also beginning to suspect that the man was not interested in joining the I Hate Denethor Club, which was a real shame. But figuring that there was still a chance to change his mind Faramir decided to humor him.

"Well it really hurt," he said, "but I was mostly unconscious at the time. It took a while for the burns to heal though."

"I meant," The Shrink elaborated, "how did it make you feel _on the inside_?"

Faramir resumed the blank staring.

The Shrink mentally cursed himself for agreeing to the job.

--

"Greetings father," Arwen said as she went to meet Elrond. He and Eomer had just arrived in Minas Tirith, though not looking happy about it. "It's good to see you." Then she started laughing. "I can not believe you got dragged into this."

"Have you joined the club?" Elrond asked.

"Oh I am much too busy," she grinned looking pleased with herself.

"And here I thought Elrohir and Elladan were the evil ones," Elrond grumbled.

Just then Celeborn, Galadriel, Gandalf, Gimli, Thranduil, and Legolas came over to where they had gathered.

"You are here too?" Celeborn asked.

"Thanks to Eomer," Elrond answered with a glare at the king of Rohan.

"Don't blame this on me," Eomer protested, "it was Gimli's idea."

"I think I have been punished enough," Gimli grumbled, "after all Faramir sent me to these two loonies." He motioned to Thranduil and Legolas.

"Where is Faramir?" Gandalf asked.

"I am not sure," Arwen said looking around, "I have not seen him."

--

"So when your father did not get you a shield like your brother Boromir's did you feel unworthy or more angry?" The Shrink asked.

"I never minded so much," Faramir answered, "I preferred books to tell the truth. My father did not like that."

"So you felt misunderstood," The Shrink nodded.

"Yes!" Faramir cried. "For the thousandth time, I felt misunderstood and unloved because of how my father treated me. That's why I started this club. The I Hate Denethor Club!"

"Who do you _really_ hate Faramir?"

"**Denethor**! D! E! N! E! T! H! O! R!" Faramir yelled. "It's right in the title!"

"Are you sure?" The Shrink asked.

"Arrrhhh!"

--

"I'm exhausted," Merry groaned throwing himself into a comfortable chair in front of a fire. "Who would have known that making I Hate Denethor merchandise would be such hard work."

"You know that we did not personally do any work, right?" Eowyn asked.

"But when we tell people," Pippin explained, "we'll tell them that we slaved over the products."

"I like the way you two think," Eowyn grinned. "Now I think that what we need after all of that hard work is some ale."

"It's a necessity," Merry nodded.

--

"And when I was seven my father told me that the picture I drew of his horse was insulting to our family," Faramir was saying. "And it made me feel as if I was a failure. I felt like I was a disgrace."

"Faramir is it possible that your father was having a bad day?" The Shrink asked. "Maybe he didn't understand how much his words hurt you. Because words hurt. They hurt more then people realize when they say them."

"It's true," Faramir agreed. "But my father knew, he wanted to hurt me!"

--

"Here you go," Sam said as he gently placed a plant into the ground, "it's nice and sunny here. I'm going to give you plenty of water and keep the nasty weeds away so that you can grow nice and strong."

"Talking to plants," The ghost of Gollum/Smeagol snorted his eyes. "Stupid fat hobbit!"

"Oy," Sam shouted glaring over at the creature, "you talk to yourself! You talk to your different personalities That is much more crazy then talking to plants. Ask anyone. It is a fact that plants grow better when you say nice things to them. It gives them confidence."

"The plants are not alive precious," Gollum screeched back.

"Don't listen to him," Sam said soothingly to the plants, "he doesn't know what he is talking about. I know you can hear me."

"Stupid plants," Gollum grumbled.

--

"So," The Shrink said to Faramir, "do you think that we have made progress here today?"

"I think that you're even crazier then I am," Faramir said bluntly, "you are just better at hiding it."

"Do you feel that people are analyzing you?"

"You _are_ analyzing me," Faramir snapped.

"That's beside the point," The Shrink said waving his hand.

"All right," Faramir sighed, "I admit it. You have opened my eyes up to the problems that I have to deal with. You have helped me be better able to live with myself. In fact," Faramir fought to keep a straight face, "you have helped me so much that I think you should talk to my father."

"Your father?" The Shrink asked. "Denethor?"

"Yes," Faramir nodded, "if there is anyone who can help him it's you."

"Well I suppose that I could…"

"Good luck!" Faramir said as he slammed the door in The Shrink's face.


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note:**

_I don't know if anyone is still interested, but here is the end of this story. Thank you to anyone still reading, and to everyone who sent in a cameo for this chapter. I hope that I got everyone's in. And also a special thank you to Destined Darkness for sending a message and giving me the motivation I needed to posting the last chapter. There might even be an epilogue since I've been trying to look at these stories again._

**Chapter #6:**

"Wow," Merry commented as he looked around at the party occurring around him, "I feel as if we've been waiting ages and ages for this to happen."

"You mean as if some cruel writer started the story but got distracted and never got around to finishing it?" Pippin asked through a mouthful of I Hate Denethor cookies.

"Exactly," Merry nodded.

"Do not worry about it," Faramir advised them as he came to stand next to them, "that is merely the evil of Denethor clouding your perceptions."

"I don't know about that," Merry said thoughtfully, "it really does feel like what Pippin said. As if a cruel and **stupid** writer-"

"Nope, you and Pippin are wrong," Faramir interrupted.

"But-" Merry started.

"EVIL," Faramir shouted, "OF DENETHOR!"

"I'm willing to believe that," Pippin said patting Faramir's arm in a comforting manner.

"Oh all right," Merry grumbled, "have it your way."

"On with the party!" Faramir cried.

It was a very good party. Lots of people had turned up, mostly due to the free food and the chance to see so many of Middle Earth's famous citizens catering to the whims of the insane Faramir. The party was taking place around the White Tree of Gondor. The Guards in charge of guarding the tree were clearly not pleased by the party attendants. Every time someone got to close to the tree a guard would attempt to skewer them with their spears. Because of this the only people willing to get close to the tree were the extremely drunk or the already dead.

"Ha!" The ghost of Theoden cackled triumphantly as two of the guards attempted to chase him away from the tree with their spears. "I am all powerful!"

"If you were really all powerful then you would not have died when that horse fell on you." Thranduil commented, (he was standing a safe distance away from the increasingly frustrated guards).

"You take all the fun out of being dead," Theoden sulked as he floated in a dejected manner away from the tree.

"So you guys all made your tee-shirts and signs for today's celebration?" Legolas asked a group of people. All of them nodded seriously.

"It's about time that someone started a club to spread the word about Denethor," Fair Rider told a rather startled Elrond. Fair Rider was wearing a tee-shirt that read: '_Prevent forest fires, burn a Denethor instead!_'

A shy young ellon named Aravilui was also wearing a homemade shirt. Aravilui's shirt had a picture of Denethor, in the middle of a huge fire. The caption on the shirt read: '_Ahh… Crispy!_'

"The fire is drawn very realistically," Eowyn commented as she looked at the short.

"Thank you," Aravilui muttered looking embarrassed, though pleased, by the compliment.

Glorfindel was examining a tee-shirt being worn by Lily. The tee-shirt said '_Denethor is a __GWIISNOT_.'

"What is a Gwiisnot?" Glorfindel asked.

"It stands for Guy Who Is In Serious Need Of Therapy," Lily explained.

"Oh," Glorfindel nodded, "in that case I know many Gwiisnots."

"Who knew that Faramir had so many fans," Eomer muttered to Gimli as they both looked at another tee-shirt wearer named Arodiel. Arodiel's tee-shirt read '_Play with_ _matches_' and had a picture of Denethor below the words. Arodiel was also carrying a sign that read '_Faramir for prezzy!_'

"You should not find it so amazing," Lady Ambreanna told Eomer in a scolding tone, "Faramir is very gifted at getting along with people. At least people who are not overbearing authority figures who refuse to be pleased no matter what. I remember very well, years ago back when I was Faramir's nanny. It always upset him the way Denethor ignored him. I'm glad I was there for him then, and I continue to support him now."

Eomer looked a little frightened, but Gimli was grinning widely.

"I bet that you have a lot of stories about our hero Faramir back when he was a little boy," Gimli said. Lady Ambreanna was about to answer when a dejected looking Bob walked onto the platform holding a piece of paper.

"And now," he said in a booming voice, "the mastermind behind this-" Bob paused and regarded the words on the paper with despair, "most magnificent of all gatherings, this club to rule over all other clubs, will say a few short words. Presenting, Faramir!"

Bob fled from the stage as fast as he could. In the front row Crimson Cupcake waved a homemade sign. On the sign was a picture of ashes. Above the picture the initials _R. I. A._ had been written. At the very bottom the words, (_Rest In Ashes_), had been added. The crowd roared as Faramir bounded onto the platform. Faramir waved, and the crowd's volume increased.

"Let the joyous news be spread, the evil Denethor is now dead!" Estrid2006 shouted.

"Don't eat cows!" Tiggylbe added.

"Thank you," Faramir grinned waving to the crowd, "thank you!" The crowd cheered for another minute before slowly calm returned and Faramir began his speech. "The subject of today's gathering is a serious subject, one that has impacted many people. I am speaking, obviously, about an evil man. A sick man. A man who had no sense of reason. This man…" Faramir paused dramatically and drew in his breath. "… is Denethor."

Many people in the crowd reacted by hissing or booing. Those who had come solely for amusement grinned. The assorted heroes of Middle Earth Faramir had dragged there prepared themselves for the tidal wave of daddy issues Faramir was sure to let loose, except for the hobbits who were inching closer to the food.

"Sane people understand certain things," Faramir continued, "certain things that Denethor was never able to grasp. Such as sending a small group of soldiers, including your son, on a suicide mission against overwhelming odds. Such as using dangerous magical items you are unable to control, but that your enemy easily can to influence you. Or such as the fact that family feuds should never be fought with literal fire."

Faramir's speech was interrupted when the subject of the speech floated through the crowd and over to the platform. Denethor pointed a transparent finger at his son, his face full of fury.

"You sent a shrink after me," Denethor shouted the accusation at his third least favorite son. Despite only having two sons, Denethor still felt that Faramir didn't deserve being his second least favorite son, because it did not convey how least favorite Faramir was in his mind. "That is a new low for this family."

"Wow Dad," Faramir shook his head in disbelief, "are you really going to argue that sending a shrink after you compares in any way to you trying to set me on fire?"

"I did that for your own good," Denethor insisted not meeting Faramir's gaze. "I mean what was I supposed to do? You weren't going to become as good of a son as Boromir was without my help."

"This is the sort of thing that convinced me to send a shrink after you," Faramir informed Denethor, "this sort of thing exactly."

"You just do not understand because you are a bad son," Denethor sighed, "sometimes I can not believe that we are really related. Maybe you were switched at birth. I always thought that midwife was a shady character…"

"That is it!" Faramir roared. "You want me to act like your precious Boromir?"

"What did he say about the precious?" The ghost of Gollum/Smeagol asked Kelan. Kelan who was wearing a tee-shirt which proclaimed "_Burn Denethor Burn_" edged quickly away from the ghost creature.

"Do you want me to run around acting like you?" Faramir screamed still standing on the stage.

"YES!" Denethor shouted back at him.

"You asked for it!" Faramir retorted.

"There can be no possible way for this to end well," Aragorn predicted.

"Tell me about it," Galadriel sighed as she turned and covertly exited the party.

There was a mad gleam in his eyes that went far beyond anything that the members of the I Hate Denethor Club had seen previously. Faramir lunged to the side of the stage and snatched a torch from GreenPeace49 who had been happily burning an effigy of Denethor.

"Look at me everyone," Faramir yelled waving the torch around, "I am Denethor! If I disagree with someone I set them on fire!" Faramir ran over to a banner that Destined Darkness had just finished hanging. The banner was rather long. The message on it read: _'__People of Middle-Earth, Join the I Hate Denethor club, it has been created to bring to light the evil of Denethor, self explanatory really. Join Or I shall send Legolas Thranduilion after you with his wonderful/unreal Fanfic story... Don't tempt me.__'_

"So you do not like the robe that I, Denethor, am wearing?" Faramir was addressing the banner as if it were a person. "You think that it makes me, Denethor, look like an unkempt grizzly bear? Well take this!"

Faramir took the torch and used it to light the banner on fire. In the blink of an eye the whole banner was on fire. Party guests screamed and began running, some for the exits and some looking for some way to fight the fire.

"I think it's rather impressive how quickly the fire is spreading," Frodo commented.

"What is that banner made out of?" Gandalf wondered aloud.

The fire, now having thoroughly decimated the banner, had spread to a table of hats. The table, the hats, and the grass all around the vicinity, had all caught fire creating a small but impressive inferno. Stacey101 attempted to stop the fire by waving her large sign, (which read "_Steward S'mores_" and had a picture of Denethor, chocolate, and marshmallows sandwiched between two graham crackers), at it. Unfortunately all this did was to spread the fire so that it reached the depiction of Denethor that Sam and Gollum/Smeagol had made out of flowers. Sam shrieked in dismay as the flowers silently burned.

Eowyn had wrestled the torch away from her husband and, after handing the torch over to Eomer, was dragging a madly cackling Faramir away from the fire. Denethor waved goodbye to his son, and in a friendlier manner then anyone could ever remember seeing the bitter ghost act.

"He smiled at me!" Faramir said gleefully to Eowyn.

"That's very nice dear," Eowyn replied through gritted teeth.

Arwen entered the courtyard, followed by a number of humans carrying buckets of water. Through her efforts the fire was contained, though not yet fully under control.

Merry and Pippin were sitting under one of the tables that had been laden with various snacks encouraging the loathing of Denethor. The table sat safely across the courtyard from the fire. Every minute or so one of them would reach up to grab another handful of food.

"I think that this might have been the best insanity fueled get together that we've had yet," Pippin said thoughtfully as he and Merry watched the members of the I Hate Denethor Club and all of the party guests try to extinguish the fire.

"What makes you say that?" Merry asked looking curious.

"Well this time there were crafts," Pippin said, "and most importantly there was lots of food."

"Yes," Merry nodded, "the food certainly helps." They sat together munching on the food and thinking as they watched the progress of the newly minted firefighters. Merry spoke again as the flames receded enough to reveal the ash that had once been the flowers painstakingly planted by Sam. "You know," he said, "Denethor might have actually had a point about fire. It can look pretty cool."

"It really can," Pippin agreed through a mouth of cookies.


	7. Chapter 7

**Epilogue:**

With Gondor no longer in danger of fire the assorted heroes of Middle Earth who had gathered in the city of Minas Tirith were all sitting in a large dining room. They were munching on leftovers from the party while they wearily planed their long trips home and away from the most recent outbreak of insanity. Aragorn and Arwen were seriously discussing plans to take a vacation. Other then a few whispered conversations the room was quiet.

"Well," Pippin sighed, "it's that time again."

He was sitting at a table with Frodo, Sam, and Merry. Their table had the biggest pile of food on it by far. The hobbits looked up from their food at Pippin's words.

"What are you talking about?" Sam asked. "What time is it?"

"It's the time when all the madness has died down, (for now), and we are all left to contemplate what has occurred, what we have learned, and what mistakes led us to this messed up life," Pippin answered with a world weary sigh. "Sometimes we also talk to a shrink."

"Wow," Frodo said. The expressions on Sam and Merry's faces echoed this sentiment. "I never thought about it like that, but he is right."

"Hmm," Sam thought for a minute. "What happened was… bad. I have learned that there is no such thing as a buffet to honor the Many Meals Of The Day. Mistakes… Well, I would say that I made the mistake of not being quiet enough while I eavesdropped. That was really the mistake which set me on this path of horror and bad writing."

"I made the mistake of not skipping Elrond's Council and just sleeping in," Frodo said bitterly. "I could have been well rested, AND avoided every bad thing that happened to me from that moment on."

"But what if Sauron had won?" Sam asked.

"I don't know," Frodo said thoughtfully, "he didn't seem like that bad of a guy. For one thing I don't think he ever wrote any bad fanfiction, and when he killed you he left you nice and sane." The other three hobbits exchanged worried looks, which Frodo ignored. "How about you two," he asked Merry and Pippin, "what mistakes have you made?"

"Oh we've never made a mistake," Merry answered right away.

"It is true," Pippin nodded.

"What about threw those rocks into the lake and woke up a certain giant angry sea monster?" Sam asked. "Or about five minutes later when you alerted the whole evil army where we were?"

"And that time that you looked into the Palantir and just about told Sauron what the secret plan was?" Frodo added.

"They got you there Pip," Merry laughed. "I guess I am the only hobbit here who never blundered once."

"That is not true," Frodo said shaking his head, "it can't be true."

"He's made lots of mistakes," Pippin nodded, "people only focus on mine because I am the more dynamic and interesting one."

"Name one mistake that I made," Merry challenged Pippin.

"It was your idea to send Legolas those dreadful Mary Sue fanfics," Pippin answered immediately. "You know, the ones that drove him insane, and by extension drove the rest of us insane."

"You did what?" Frodo and Sam cried together.

"That was a secret," Merry growled, "we swore a blood oath after we escaped from the library in Rivendell."

"I don't think there was any blood," Pippin corrected him, "I think we swore the oath over a bowl of mushrooms."

"Breaking a mushroom oath is even worse then breaking a blood oath!" Merry shouted.

"Did I just hear you say," Gimli said loudly from the next table over, "that you introduced Legolas to fanfiction?"

"Pippin helped," Merry defended himself desperately, "he thought is was a good idea. He helped me pick out the worst stories. He even licked the stamp!"

All around them the heroes of Middle Earth were standing up and forming a circle around Merry and Pippin. They looked less heroic and more homicidal.

"That's strange," Pippin said looking around at the angry faces, "usually the person who gets beat up at this point is whoever went insane most recently."

"I think you've talked enough for today," Merry growled.

**_Author's Note:_**

_ Thank you so much to everyone who reads this story, and especially to everyone who takes the time to write a review and let me know what you think, (hint- please review!). I always have a blast writing these stories, and always wish I had time to write more. In the past two years since graduating and starting to work I just haven't had the time._

_ Still, these stories float around in my head and I hope that I will get back in the habit of writing. I just finished an outline for a new story- Things As They Should Be: There And Insane Again. I don't know when I'll start posting the story, (it could be a bit of a wait knowing me), but I'm including a preview of the first chapter and hope that anyone who is interested will send me suggestions for the story. I haven't decided for sure who will be listening to the story, so if anyone has characters they want me to include let me know and I'll try to find a good place for them._

Chapter #1:

Gloin strolled through the old mine tunnel, studying it with a trained eye. Nothing was more relaxing to Gloin then a stroll through a mine, there was nothing like it in Middle Earth. He was followed by another dwarf.

"I have been thinking seriously," he said to the other dwarf, "about what I will give my son Gimli for his upcoming birthday."

"Perhaps a new helmet," the other dwarf suggested.

"No," Gloin sighed, "I always give him something along those lines. No, this year I want to get him something different. Something that will really surprise him. Besides, I got him a new helmet last year. It was to replace his old one, which he had somehow dented during that party for Bilbo's nephew he went to."

"Oh yes," the other dwarf nodded, "I remember now. It's funny, Gimli refused to say how he managed to dent his helmet. But it must have been a pretty spectacular party, after all he did not return home for several months."

"That is a brilliant idea," Gloin exclaimed.

"Huh?" the other dwarf looked around at the dwarf lord.

"I shall throw Gimli a surprise party," Gloin explained, "and invite all of his friends. After all, he clearly enjoys all of his gatherings with them. He has been to Gondor twice, and of course that one party he went to in that elvish place thrown by that one elf who is always following him around. We can show them all how much better a party is when it's thrown by a dwarf, and not some prissy elf."

"It sounds wonderful," the other dwarf agreed, "Gimli is sure to be pleased with it."

The preparations began right away, keeping the whole thing a secret from his son. It took Gloin two weeks to find people to deliver the invitations. Finding volunteers to go deliver invitations to all the regular dwarvish places was no problem, or even to go to the Shire, Gondor and Rohan. But many dwarves balked at the idea of going to Mirkwood, Rivendell, and Lothlorien. It also proved difficult to convince any dwarves to deliver a message to the Undying Lands. But finally all the invitations were sent out.

Gloin was pleased by how nicely the party was shaping up. He was sure that Gimli would have a good birthday, and that all of the guests would as well.

But, much like someone about to take a swig of milk that has gone bad or who digs just a smidge too deep and runs into a Balrog, Gloin was unaware of the terror that was in store for him. Having heard so few details about all of the friendly get togethers that Gimli had gone to, Gloin had no idea how very wrong a simple thing like a party could go.

Because, completely unknown to Gloin, one person who had been invited to the party was truly and deeply insane. That special sort of insanity that is accompanied…

…by fanfiction.


End file.
